I never had children of my own. When I say that we have 5 grandchildren, I don’t fully think of them as MY grandchildren. When I married my husband nearly 24 years ago, his children were young adults. Now that they have children I don’t think of myself as a grandmother, but more as a family friend or aunt-by-marriage. If my husband passes before I do (likely, as he’s 11 years older), I don’t imagine myself being very active in their lives, and vice versa. And that’s okay.
Do you want more compassion and empathy in your life? in your families?
Yes?! Read @Sunhats and Chardonnay! Laura’s wisdom shares the overlooked, unnoticed and sometimes uncomfortable conversations! Her clarity will help you with conflicts that may arise with loved ones (or within). She shares concise, clear reasons for choices that also may be right for you in our rapidly changing world.
I'm very much okay with not having grandchildren. It's an awful world and worrying about my kids is about all i can handle. My sons are 27 and 30 and things could change at any time. Whatever they decide is fine by me but i wouldn't dream of pressuring/suggesting/encouraging them one way or the other. Not my business.
Thank you for this much needed perspective, Laura! I’m a Grma of five and seldom think about this. There’s one dear friend who has none…and I’ve wondered how she feels when the rest of us brag on and on. This makes me aware, better compassion toward others who may not be parents or grandparents. I do recall the two years we were completely nest free and having the time of our lives! Lots to be said for that! 😊Great article…you’ve given much thought and wisdom here. Going to share! ❤️🤗
Many thoughts on this. The world is changing rapidly of late and many young people I know personally are opting out of having children. I think about the world I grew up in and yes, there was the threat of nuclear war, no doubt about it. But with global warming surely heading continuously upwards, the continued threat of nuclear war, wars, poverty, hunger, diminished rights for so many world-wide, I see their point. In Singapore at Cloud Forest I think, there was a 10 min video that scared my socks off, and I won't live as long as GenZ or Millennials. It showed in detail what would happen as celsius levels rise--from loss of mammals, to lack of crops, low air quality, and finally to a fire-filled world. Their reality is very scary, and then the thought of a next generation probably is the tipping point. imho.
Thanks, for your thoughts. And yes, aside from personal reasons, the young people are also faced with a dire outlook for the world. In some ways, I'm glad I will not be around fifty years from now. My father has always said travel while you can and I have always encouraged my children to do the same. I'm not sure when the world started going downhill but I think the cohort that are currently under 35, recognize there is an issue and are starting to find solutions. The problem is that they are up against those much older generations who are set in their ways. Who knows where it will end up, but if deciding not to have children helps the situation, I'm all for it.
Yes, the older gen is much slower to accept-make changes. It was very distressing to see Greta T at a worldwide environmental climate forum a couple years ago say on stage, “Blah, blah, blah.” Meaning the elders pay lip service only and then continue to promote oil and gas. Stressful times.
A strange passenger me on the street wished me a happy mother's day a couple of weeks ago. I found it so odd that he'd make that assumption. I guess I forget how the "normal" world view things. I guess it is assumed that a 60 year old woman has children and grandchildren. But within my social group few of the women (or men) do. I actually don't know many people who have children. It is something I never think about.
As a full traveler, I've always found it interesting talking to people who have grandkids and are always in a hurry to get back to see them. I'm mean I get, but I'm glad that's not me. My husband has a grandkid. We try to buy him things and send him surprise gifts as we travel. We hardly ever Facetime or talk to him except when we visit. And we only visit maybe once or twice a year (maybe less some years). But when we do go, its a treat for the kid and my husband. I don't think anyone is lacking from not having the other in their lives full time.
Excellent read, Laura! Everyone who wants more compassion and empathy in their families and in life, needs to read this essay.
May I share "The Unexpected Path: Living Happily Without..."in my newsletter?
I am writing something similar- no children; and, observing my parents with no grandchildren; losing a parent; and, my mom with no grandchildren. I also recently learned of @Jody Day's work. Maybe there is a future collaboration here? DM me.
Thank you for this perspective on not having grandchildren, which was refreshingly broad. Can I suggest one clarification, to this sentence:
"Many young adults choose to delay or forgo parenthood altogether, instead focusing on their careers, personal growth, and individual aspirations."
Where we have qualitative data (UK/USA) on the reason people don't have children, the number of people who are childless NOT by choice is at least 50 per cent, sometimes much more.
For those people, not having the potential prospect of grandchildren in the future is another loss they have to grieve. The experience of having childlessness choose you, rather than the other way around, is much less talked about, and even less understood.
I gave a TEDx talk on it that some might find interesting which you can watch here: https://bit.ly/jodytedtalk
I just looked back over your posts in honor of your one year anniversary, and re-read this one. My wife and I don’t have and probably won’t have grandkids, and we have been alternating between sad, understanding, devastated, regretful, and feeling “Why me?” It’s been hard.
We loved having children. We expected to always have children around. Now we are hanging out with a couple of cats and my elderly parents. Neither of my parents are able to even go shopping any more, and we can’t take any of them to the playground or hiking or swimming or any of the things we saw ourselves doing. Changing diapers could be a possibility, but teaching the parents to walk is a non-starter.
It feels like a whole avenue of life is closed to us.
Yes, certainly the realities of not having grandchildren can be devastating.
Finding alternative ways to fill the void is the key.
Unfortunately, aging parents are not really a substitution although some aspects can be similar.
Finding ways to volunteer with the youth, can be beneficial. Sports, youth groups or even reading mentoring at schools or libraries can bring the warm feeling of grandchildren.
I really struggle to recognise the narrative that no grandchildren is a negative thing and that to ameliorate it we must find ways of seeking out the benefits to persuade any questioner that we are 'ok' without them. Grandchildren simply never enter my consciousness, the same as children didn't once I'd made my decision that they were not for me. If people enquire, then I am truthful, I don't have children or grandchildren I never wanted either. I don't feel the need to justify that decision by extolling the 'benefits'. It's just a different way of living, like any other. No reasons or excuses or cost/benefit analysis needed!
I never had children of my own. When I say that we have 5 grandchildren, I don’t fully think of them as MY grandchildren. When I married my husband nearly 24 years ago, his children were young adults. Now that they have children I don’t think of myself as a grandmother, but more as a family friend or aunt-by-marriage. If my husband passes before I do (likely, as he’s 11 years older), I don’t imagine myself being very active in their lives, and vice versa. And that’s okay.
Yes, there are many scenarios in how we interpret and accept grandchildren.
Choosing to remain contact is entirely a personal choice.
Do you want more compassion and empathy in your life? in your families?
Yes?! Read @Sunhats and Chardonnay! Laura’s wisdom shares the overlooked, unnoticed and sometimes uncomfortable conversations! Her clarity will help you with conflicts that may arise with loved ones (or within). She shares concise, clear reasons for choices that also may be right for you in our rapidly changing world.
Thank you so much. Such a lovely comment.
You are very welcome, glad you appreciate the comment. XX
Thoughtful tips as always. Forget grandchildren, I think about aging without children and this helpful is advice to reframe that journey.
Thanks.
I'm very much okay with not having grandchildren. It's an awful world and worrying about my kids is about all i can handle. My sons are 27 and 30 and things could change at any time. Whatever they decide is fine by me but i wouldn't dream of pressuring/suggesting/encouraging them one way or the other. Not my business.
Exactly.
If grandkids arrive, we can be joyful. But we don't need to dwell if they don't exist.
Pressuring our children is not a solution.
Thank you for this much needed perspective, Laura! I’m a Grma of five and seldom think about this. There’s one dear friend who has none…and I’ve wondered how she feels when the rest of us brag on and on. This makes me aware, better compassion toward others who may not be parents or grandparents. I do recall the two years we were completely nest free and having the time of our lives! Lots to be said for that! 😊Great article…you’ve given much thought and wisdom here. Going to share! ❤️🤗
Thank you so much!
Many thoughts on this. The world is changing rapidly of late and many young people I know personally are opting out of having children. I think about the world I grew up in and yes, there was the threat of nuclear war, no doubt about it. But with global warming surely heading continuously upwards, the continued threat of nuclear war, wars, poverty, hunger, diminished rights for so many world-wide, I see their point. In Singapore at Cloud Forest I think, there was a 10 min video that scared my socks off, and I won't live as long as GenZ or Millennials. It showed in detail what would happen as celsius levels rise--from loss of mammals, to lack of crops, low air quality, and finally to a fire-filled world. Their reality is very scary, and then the thought of a next generation probably is the tipping point. imho.
Thanks, for your thoughts. And yes, aside from personal reasons, the young people are also faced with a dire outlook for the world. In some ways, I'm glad I will not be around fifty years from now. My father has always said travel while you can and I have always encouraged my children to do the same. I'm not sure when the world started going downhill but I think the cohort that are currently under 35, recognize there is an issue and are starting to find solutions. The problem is that they are up against those much older generations who are set in their ways. Who knows where it will end up, but if deciding not to have children helps the situation, I'm all for it.
Yes, the older gen is much slower to accept-make changes. It was very distressing to see Greta T at a worldwide environmental climate forum a couple years ago say on stage, “Blah, blah, blah.” Meaning the elders pay lip service only and then continue to promote oil and gas. Stressful times.
A strange passenger me on the street wished me a happy mother's day a couple of weeks ago. I found it so odd that he'd make that assumption. I guess I forget how the "normal" world view things. I guess it is assumed that a 60 year old woman has children and grandchildren. But within my social group few of the women (or men) do. I actually don't know many people who have children. It is something I never think about.
As a full traveler, I've always found it interesting talking to people who have grandkids and are always in a hurry to get back to see them. I'm mean I get, but I'm glad that's not me. My husband has a grandkid. We try to buy him things and send him surprise gifts as we travel. We hardly ever Facetime or talk to him except when we visit. And we only visit maybe once or twice a year (maybe less some years). But when we do go, its a treat for the kid and my husband. I don't think anyone is lacking from not having the other in their lives full time.
I agree.
I also never understood the need to get back to see them.
They are not going anywhere and will likely be around for a long time.
Excellent read, Laura! Everyone who wants more compassion and empathy in their families and in life, needs to read this essay.
May I share "The Unexpected Path: Living Happily Without..."in my newsletter?
I am writing something similar- no children; and, observing my parents with no grandchildren; losing a parent; and, my mom with no grandchildren. I also recently learned of @Jody Day's work. Maybe there is a future collaboration here? DM me.
Yes, please do share.
It is these aspects of getting older that often go overlooked and unnoticed.
Hi, Laura, I shared comments of support of your work in Notes today. Cheers to you! : )
Thanks.
Thank you for this perspective on not having grandchildren, which was refreshingly broad. Can I suggest one clarification, to this sentence:
"Many young adults choose to delay or forgo parenthood altogether, instead focusing on their careers, personal growth, and individual aspirations."
Where we have qualitative data (UK/USA) on the reason people don't have children, the number of people who are childless NOT by choice is at least 50 per cent, sometimes much more.
For those people, not having the potential prospect of grandchildren in the future is another loss they have to grieve. The experience of having childlessness choose you, rather than the other way around, is much less talked about, and even less understood.
I gave a TEDx talk on it that some might find interesting which you can watch here: https://bit.ly/jodytedtalk
I just looked back over your posts in honor of your one year anniversary, and re-read this one. My wife and I don’t have and probably won’t have grandkids, and we have been alternating between sad, understanding, devastated, regretful, and feeling “Why me?” It’s been hard.
We loved having children. We expected to always have children around. Now we are hanging out with a couple of cats and my elderly parents. Neither of my parents are able to even go shopping any more, and we can’t take any of them to the playground or hiking or swimming or any of the things we saw ourselves doing. Changing diapers could be a possibility, but teaching the parents to walk is a non-starter.
It feels like a whole avenue of life is closed to us.
We will grow as people from this I’m sure.
Yes, certainly the realities of not having grandchildren can be devastating.
Finding alternative ways to fill the void is the key.
Unfortunately, aging parents are not really a substitution although some aspects can be similar.
Finding ways to volunteer with the youth, can be beneficial. Sports, youth groups or even reading mentoring at schools or libraries can bring the warm feeling of grandchildren.
I really struggle to recognise the narrative that no grandchildren is a negative thing and that to ameliorate it we must find ways of seeking out the benefits to persuade any questioner that we are 'ok' without them. Grandchildren simply never enter my consciousness, the same as children didn't once I'd made my decision that they were not for me. If people enquire, then I am truthful, I don't have children or grandchildren I never wanted either. I don't feel the need to justify that decision by extolling the 'benefits'. It's just a different way of living, like any other. No reasons or excuses or cost/benefit analysis needed!