We are the aging parents and we not only moved cross country, we moved out of the country. We also dealt with our own aging parents in years past so we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two. We didn’t want outlet kids to have to deal with us so we now live in a community where there’s assisted living if and when we might need it. The key is to have plans and let the kids be part of those so we’re all on the same page or at least reading the same chapter.
Great practical advice. Thanks. My mom, going on 80 and ballroom dancing to keep healthy and her spirits up, has eaten more chocolate than protein since for as long as I can remember. And she's always had more energy than me. Can one be on an 80-year sugar rush? If I observe her snacking heathy, I'll start to be concerned. 😉
But after she moved across the country at 92, she believed she was fat. Her doctor mentioned (once) that she should watch her sweets. She interpreted that statement as she was diabetic. She starved herself and lost more than 25#'s in a year. For a women her age, this is significant. We were not there regularly to observe this. Her daughters who lived nearby should have recognized this sign. For my parents (late 80s) who still live on their own, we are keeping a very close eye on them for decline.
it's so challenging! My in laws are 92. they are mentally there but....among a host of health challenges, and one recently started dialysis (which seems crazy) but he's doing well on it. his mom broke her hip when she was 80 and hasn't been the same since. Oh and they both can't hear - which makes it hard to converse. but boy are they the sweetest and do they love their grandkids!!
Yes, health challenges can certainly add to the challenges.
As for loss of hearing, isn't it comical sometimes to listen to answers to questions and conversations based on what they THINK they heard? For the last ten years or so, we have been scratching our heads sometimes to understand where some on the comments come from.
I agree with Gary - we're supporting both our mothers in different ways as they become elderly - it's tiring and quite often unappreciated. I won't be putting that responsibility onto my own children who live a couple of hours away. We'll be downsizing to something manageable - probably in an aged care community when we start to see ourselves reducing in capacity - and hopefully living well until the end with the support we need in place. It's a very relevant topic for our demographic.
This is a great plan and if both partners are on the same page, it will work just fine. But, if one partner refuses to seek or accept assistance, this is where it gets complicated.
I'm working on my husband as well. But until he no longer "needs" a sports car which requires garage space, we are destined to a house with a 2 car garage. Not many senior living establishments have that. That, and the fact that he "needs" to live near a ski hill.
That's why I'm starting the conversation early - I figure in 10-15 years he might be ready to agree with me (and by then I might be ready to live in a much smaller space with him!) :D
With my mom 87 and my dad 91, both living in my yard (in their own house) on our rural property, this is top-of-mind for my wife and I. Thanks for the insights and advice. We are doing daily check-ins and trying to keep on top of the situation, but it’s easy to get complacent.
What good advice for those w/ aging loved ones, Laura. You really did your homework and from both sides—feelings of children or the younger people involved and the feelings of the more elderly who may feel like they are losing control.
It’s very important information that people don’t really want to think about, but must. You laid out an excellent primer for what to do and possibly what to expect.
I second the importance of observing. My late mother exhibited nearly all the signs you listed by her early 80s. Efforts on my part to get her to accept help started in earnest in her mid-80s. In the end it was a medical crisis at 89 that tipped the scales. Essentially, there was no longer a choice. In the end, I took her into my home, where she eventually passed at 91. I wish much patience and strength to all those coping or trying to cope, whether as a struggling elder or a concerned younger person.
We are the aging parents and we not only moved cross country, we moved out of the country. We also dealt with our own aging parents in years past so we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two. We didn’t want outlet kids to have to deal with us so we now live in a community where there’s assisted living if and when we might need it. The key is to have plans and let the kids be part of those so we’re all on the same page or at least reading the same chapter.
Agreed.
It's all about discussions and formulating a plan that works for all involved.
Great practical advice. Thanks. My mom, going on 80 and ballroom dancing to keep healthy and her spirits up, has eaten more chocolate than protein since for as long as I can remember. And she's always had more energy than me. Can one be on an 80-year sugar rush? If I observe her snacking heathy, I'll start to be concerned. 😉
Same for my MIL at 80.
But after she moved across the country at 92, she believed she was fat. Her doctor mentioned (once) that she should watch her sweets. She interpreted that statement as she was diabetic. She starved herself and lost more than 25#'s in a year. For a women her age, this is significant. We were not there regularly to observe this. Her daughters who lived nearby should have recognized this sign. For my parents (late 80s) who still live on their own, we are keeping a very close eye on them for decline.
it's so challenging! My in laws are 92. they are mentally there but....among a host of health challenges, and one recently started dialysis (which seems crazy) but he's doing well on it. his mom broke her hip when she was 80 and hasn't been the same since. Oh and they both can't hear - which makes it hard to converse. but boy are they the sweetest and do they love their grandkids!!
Yes, health challenges can certainly add to the challenges.
As for loss of hearing, isn't it comical sometimes to listen to answers to questions and conversations based on what they THINK they heard? For the last ten years or so, we have been scratching our heads sometimes to understand where some on the comments come from.
I agree with Gary - we're supporting both our mothers in different ways as they become elderly - it's tiring and quite often unappreciated. I won't be putting that responsibility onto my own children who live a couple of hours away. We'll be downsizing to something manageable - probably in an aged care community when we start to see ourselves reducing in capacity - and hopefully living well until the end with the support we need in place. It's a very relevant topic for our demographic.
This is a great plan and if both partners are on the same page, it will work just fine. But, if one partner refuses to seek or accept assistance, this is where it gets complicated.
I'm slowly working on my husband so that he is prepared for the retirement lifestyle village when the time comes :D
I'm working on my husband as well. But until he no longer "needs" a sports car which requires garage space, we are destined to a house with a 2 car garage. Not many senior living establishments have that. That, and the fact that he "needs" to live near a ski hill.
It's a work in progress 😀
That's why I'm starting the conversation early - I figure in 10-15 years he might be ready to agree with me (and by then I might be ready to live in a much smaller space with him!) :D
Agree completely. Sew the seeds early. Cultivate the idea. Some people need that extra time to consider all options.
With my mom 87 and my dad 91, both living in my yard (in their own house) on our rural property, this is top-of-mind for my wife and I. Thanks for the insights and advice. We are doing daily check-ins and trying to keep on top of the situation, but it’s easy to get complacent.
Thank you so much.
It sounds like you have an ideal situation. Close enough for assistance yet far enough to maintain independence and privacy for all.
So far it’s been working, but the situation is gradually getting harder. Just like we expected!
Thank you, this is very helpful!
What good advice for those w/ aging loved ones, Laura. You really did your homework and from both sides—feelings of children or the younger people involved and the feelings of the more elderly who may feel like they are losing control.
Thank you.
I'm actually working on a follow up involving some of the specific health issues.
It’s very important information that people don’t really want to think about, but must. You laid out an excellent primer for what to do and possibly what to expect.
Thank you so much.
I second the importance of observing. My late mother exhibited nearly all the signs you listed by her early 80s. Efforts on my part to get her to accept help started in earnest in her mid-80s. In the end it was a medical crisis at 89 that tipped the scales. Essentially, there was no longer a choice. In the end, I took her into my home, where she eventually passed at 91. I wish much patience and strength to all those coping or trying to cope, whether as a struggling elder or a concerned younger person.
Yes, it's all about the discussions while there are still pre-emptive choices.
No one wants to make these decisions in a time of crisis.
But, sometimes they cannot be avoided.