Navigating the Delicate Balance: When Elderly Parents Want to Move
How fear, empathy and sibling rivalry can affect the decision.
As I sit down to write this, I find myself amid a situation that many of us face at some point in our lives: the desire of elderly parents to move, juxtaposed against the practical challenges and complexities that come with such a decision. It's a delicate balance, one that requires careful consideration, empathy, and a willingness to explore alternative solutions. In this post, I'll share my personal journey and insights into navigating this terrain.
A Little History
My parents-in-law, like many others of their generation, had always been fiercely independent. They'd lived in the same house for decades, surrounded by familiar faces and places that hold a lifetime of memories. They raised their children in that house and had several other long-standing neighbours nearby. But, as their children married and subsequently moved away, they realized a different world was coming to light. They were becoming lonely.
They lived in a suburb of Montreal, and for many years, my husband and I, and our children, lived a few blocks from them. Their other children, two daughters, live across the country in Calgary where they have lived for over thirty years. Over those years, flights back and forth to visit took place several times a year. Unbeknownst to us, the “Sisters,” as we call them, longed to have their parents closer to them, and, they were plotting ways to try to convince Mom and Dad to move there.
When a move was brought up during phone calls, Dad was dead set against it. He was staunchly old-fashioned and a military man and he could not understand why he would leave a house that he had paid for himself. Mom, on the other hand, was open to the suggestion. We started to notice a shift in her perspective. She wanted to be closer to her daughters which was understandable. Being in her early 90s, she longed for the comfort and security of having loved ones nearby, especially as health concerns started to loom more prominent on the horizon. She was sad when her friends passed away one by one. She no longer played golf or tennis. Things that kept her busy were slowly being taken away. The once bustling neighborhood now felt quiet as well.
Ever Closer to a Decision
As the conversations about moving became more frequent, my husband and I found ourselves caught in the middle. On the one hand, we understood the desire of the Sisters to have their parents closer to them, especially as they faced the challenges of aging.
On the other hand, it was essential to acknowledge and empathize with Dad's feelings and attachment to his home and his reluctance to uproot his life at this stage.
As
states in her article: Talk to Your Aging Parent Without Starting the Battle of WordsThe adult child has to come to a place of understanding that these conversations about future care needs, in reality, has nothing to do with their own wants, needs, and desires for their parents. Rather, the conversations, plans, and discussions has everything to do with uncovering how their parent feels about their last life stage. It’s about uncovering a parent’s vision of what they want to happen as they age, how will they get the care they may need, what will that look like in the short and long term.
We made sure to listen to Dad’s concerns and involve him in the decision-making process every step of the way.
It was clear that this decision was not going to be easy, and it weighed heavily on all of us. We wanted to support Mom and Dad in whatever choice they made, but we also wanted to ensure that they were making the decision that was truly best for them, both emotionally and practically.
Our Point of View
Beyond the logistical challenges, there were also emotional considerations to contend with. Moving is a disruptive and emotionally draining experience at any age. Still, for elderly individuals who have spent the majority of their lives rooted in one place, the prospect can be incredibly daunting.
Our opinion was that this was NOT a good move and here’s why.
By uprooting and moving across the country, there was so much at stake and so much to abandon. No longer would they have the autonomy that they had in Montreal. Mom would have to give up driving, and rely on others for transportation. Even the simplest things like getting groceries or going to doctor appointments would now need outside assistance. Without autonomy, they would be completely lost in a new city.
In addition, the required search for new medical and dental practitioners could be lengthy. Like many other cities, doctors are hard to come by and waiting lists are long. How long can a senior wait to be seen? Could the Sisters help? Perhaps, but do they want to? Would they have time to?
The Sisters each had their own families, demanding careers and lifestyles. We believed that once our parents moved to Calgary, the thrill of closeness would wear off. Mom and Dad would be left alone and, the Sisters would go about their own lives. The Sisters have not experienced the long-term proximity as we had. We understood the effects of declining health and had seen it first-hand. Were the Sisters prepared for that?
Furthermore, how easy is it to make new friends at 90? Do you want to? Although Mom was a little more outgoing, Dad was more private, an introvert. He always kept busy reading or playing in his garden while Mom golfed or played tennis.
We believed that if they moved, they would lose all sense of community and everything that kept them grounded. Our fear was that without this familiarity of space, they could become disoriented and confused, adding to worsening mental health. As we age, the known is reassuring and the unknown can be terrifying.
The Decision
It took time, but eventually, Dad started to soften his stance and convinced us that moving to Calgary was the right decision. (We still believe that it was Mom who made the decision, not him; he just went along with it.) Dad began to see the benefits of being closer to his daughters and grandchildren, especially as he grappled with his own health issues. In Calgary, there were more than fifteen family members including great-grandchildren, while we were still two hours away in Ottawa.
Dad also began to recognize that maintaining their current home was increasingly more difficult as once simple tasks became more challenging. Even with lawn, garden, and snow-clearing chores contracted out, the simple act of changing a light bulb was cumbersome. They made lists of tasks for us to accomplish when we drove in from Ottawa.
In 2017, Mom and Dad decided to make the move to Calgary to be closer to their daughters. It wasn't an easy decision, and there were certainly moments of doubt and anxiety along the way. It was essential to acknowledge and validate their feelings and encourage them to look forward to the final chapter in their life. Ultimately, despite our opinion, we came to realize that the most important thing was to honor their wishes and prioritize their happiness and well-being above all else.
Finding the Balance
Looking back on this experience, I've learned a lot about the complexities of navigating the desires of elderly parents when it comes to moving. It's about more than finding the most practical solution or the one that makes the most sense on paper. It's about understanding their emotions and attachments, and finding a way to honor those while also addressing their changing needs and circumstances.
As I reflected on our situation, I realized that there was no one-size-fits-all solution. As
states in her article "Caring for Aging Parents”It’s a difficult question, and there’s no one right answer. We each have to find a solution that works for us and our families, that might not work for someone else. It helps to talk to other people, to find out what they have done, and to get support from them.
Our decision required a personalized approach that took into account my parents' preferences, priorities, and unique circumstances. Mending fences with siblings also needed to be on the agenda.
It's a journey filled with challenges and uncertainties but also opportunities for growth and connection.
Over the first few years, we watched Mom adjust to her new reality with grace and resilience. She formed new friendships, embraced new experiences, and found a renewed sense of purpose and belonging in the community. Dad, not so much.
In the end, it's about finding that delicate balance between independence and support, holding on to the past and embracing the future.
Update
After the first couple years, the Sisters visited regularly but after Dad's health declined further and he was placed in a Longterm care facility in 2021, their visits decreased. Mom was left alone for longer periods of time. Dad passed in 2022 at 96.
With increased loneliness, dementia and depression increased. Mom craved attention and began fabricating sounds, and stories about her neighbours in the building. We heard nothing and some of her claims were impossible. When questioned about their validity, Mom thought that the Sisters and us were the crazy ones. Medical professionals intervened but did not solve the problem. Mom refused to listen to reason.
The constant bombardment of this crazy talk was too much for the Sisters. They no longer wanted to visit or be involved. They blocked her phone number. This abandonment was one of our biggest fears about the Calgary move.
Without visits and communication from her daughters, Mom wanted to move to Ottawa. At 97, we advised against it despite wishing she were closer.
We needed to convince both parties to amend their behavior. Mom needed to reduce the frequency of her phone calls and the Sisters needed to set up a regular schedule for visits. They all agreed.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while it may not always be easy, with patience, empathy, and open communication, it is possible to find a solution that works for everyone involved.
At 99, Mom has now relocated to a Memory Care facility but with increasing dementia, she can no longer remember who visits or how frequently. Numerous daily phone calls decry a lost soul looking for familiar faces. As a family, we must put on a brave face while visiting or speaking with her and understand that whatever we say, she will not remember.
Looking back, we often question ourselves. If Mom and Dad had moved to Calgary when they were in their 80s instead of their 90s, would there have been a stronger bond between them and their daughters?
Do we trust our gut when it comes to our parents wellbeing or do we give in to their desires despite our fears and reservations?
Have you been faced with a decision that you did not entirely agree with?
How did you resolve it?
You might also be interested in this:
The Importance of Observing: How to Identify When Aging Parents Require Assistance
Great article happy to share it to my email list. Thanks for the mention of my article. Rhonda
Thank you so much.